Beware: This is a blog. It's an opinion, not fact. Read it as such. Any wrong assertions and assumptions are strictly the invention of the author. It is not necessary to agree with the author and he has no quarrels with the reader should they disagree.
The Miss Nude Australia Pageant is over for another year and I made a decision to write only one blog this year once the dust has settled and the props have been firmly packed away or more likely destroyed. Many people have asked me where was the blog was (and by "many" read "three") and so for those people here's another irrelevant look at the biggest week in the stripping calendar that doesn't involve a car race in some way shape or form.
First things first; so what was the competition like this year? To say there was no one clear standout throughout the week is perhaps an indicator that the competition this year was either a) very close with outstanding shows or b) very bland. I'm tending to side with the latter. There was no danger. No mystery. No humour. Most importantly, No Sex. This year was overwhelmed with pale imitations of the film Burlesque and when it wasn't, we had the same parade of cowgirls, cheerleaders and one warrior princess. Not one original idea or a new way to present a theme. Hell, we even heard the same songs! I guess it does comparison easy for judging purposes if everyone does the same thing but the same complaints from previous year's competitions apply this year as well (too numerous to mention, read last year's blog and just change the names).
It appears that more people are willing to accept mediocrity as entertainment. One only has to look at TV, music and movies to know that "safe" is high on the agenda and it is this affliction that has invaded the stripping industry of all things. That is not to say that we should resort to X-rated or exploitative shows such as the insert of fruit into holes with no teeth or a couple of young nymphs rolling around in jelly trying to pin each other (actually, I must say that last suggestion is very titillating excuse the pun) but what made burlesque in the 40s and 50s so alluring wasn't so much the extravagant costumes or the glamour but rather the brazen mystery and tease. A bit of research will tell you that the music used was in fact more blues based than big band jazz. Watching a movie titled Burlesque with Christina Aguilera does not qualify one to all of a sudden put on a burlesque show. Face it, movies like Moulin Rouge and Burlesque are good entertainment but are extremely camp, not a show that bucks night would want to see and let's be honest, that's your audience whether you like it or not.
However the competition is all about the industry. It's about showing off to other strippers, about glam-ming it up and put on the most dazzling costume one can afford. It's about putting on make-up and doing the hair. It's also about putting on that show which you want to put on every night with props and flashing lights and no DJ yelling through the microphone begging patrons to make some noise if you want the lady to remove her top. In lots of ways, it's a major step up from performing dance routines as a young girl to the latest Top 40 sensation of the day in the loungeroom all those years ago. Actually we did get a dance routine as a special guest appearance when two feature attractions Olivia Johnson and Stripteaze dance a routine to Beyonce's "Girls (Run The World)". It was high energy and entertaining but one suspects the paying men around the catwalk were just imploring the young ladies to show their tits or cleavage or ANYTHING. However the ladies of both persuasions (do I need to explain that?) were highly impressed. Thus the line was drawn right there; great show, wrong venue.
The winner this year was Madison Ivy Love who represented Melbourne. In all honesty I don't remember much of her show other than the 1940s US army costume she walked out in. Nice body, great smile and deservedly a winner. Okay so why did I write that? The shows were so bloody boring that I really had a difficult time separating one from the other and so I must assume Madison was the best on the night because the ever-knowing judges declared so (he says with a smirk - an overtly-camp celebrity journalist from The Sunday Mail is judging on my behalf who is the hottest female stripper? Sorry but I may not trust his opinion over a guy who runs a mine. Yep, that was the quality of the judging panel this year).
One performer who I did notice was a lady whose stripping career has very brief so far, The Strawberry Siren. Her enthusiasm and humour was a breath of fresh air after a parade of po-faced performances. The Siren's show seemed to be stamped with her personality and the wink of a good time should one ever meet her off the stage. She came in third but that must surely be an encouragement as this is her first competition. For those same reasons I enjoyed the shows by April Love and Sash De Bleu. Both ladies had that knowingly sense of the ridiculous and simply had a good time doing their shows. Most importantly they connected with their audience. Tits and ass are all well good (in fact they are among the best two things in life) but that X factor is what really wins over the pundits.
Electra Kelly came in second. She has entered the compeition a few times and has always cracked the top three but never the top spot. She did a can-can routine (see? That Moulin Rouge factor again) then tumbled back into familiar habits of performing as though one idea was quite enough. I shouldn't be so scathing because she is a fantastic girl to do shows for but next time, if there is one, I suggest a different type of show. One that will grab the attention rather than blend in with the other contestants.
Last year's winner Cassandra Fox also performed and gave us a preview of a burlesque project she has been working on. Not bad but oh so safe. My mother would have enjoyed it which I'm not sure is exactly the point. Having wrote that, it is part of a planned two hour show to do theatres and I can see what Cassandra is trying to do. It's not something I would pay to see though. I'm sorry but I can't quite get over the pretentious factor. Yes you can argue that this blog is one big pretentious wank (but you've made it this far so stop whining) but I don't want po-faced sexuality thanks. Then again a lot of people do so God bless them and be on their way.
So that was the competition this year. It was costumes, bright lights and beautiful girls with great bodies. It wasn't fun though. One only had to look the patrons who came off the street to realise that burlesque and striptease are two different things. You can successfully argue that stripping competitions are different beasts to your normal everyday "pub" strip shows but that's the opinion of people who work in the industry week after week seeing the same shows every night. In fact "pub girl" seems to be a high insult in stripping circles. Excuse me then. Those "awful" pub girls bond with their audience, makes the men come back for more and more. Without an audience, you don't have a show.
I have heard this year's competitions was regarded by some people as one of the best of all time. No I cannot agree. It was the most blandest, most unexciting and most camp of them all. I was just aching for a rock song towards the end. I was demanding an element of mystery. I implored the girls for a dose of sexuality that did not involve the spreading of legs and playing with one's playground set. In short, I wanted a show for "us blokes" not a bunch of other strippers and drag queens.
And I certainly don't want a bunch of Christina Aguilera wannabes, that's for damn sure.
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