It's the biggest night in Australia's stripping calendar. Yes there a lot of similar competitions out there, let's be honest every club/agency seems to have their own, but the Friday night final of the Miss Nude Australia Pageant is the original, the best and most highly regarded. It is also quite often the most controversial and I've heard different stories, theories and rants over the last decade about who should have won and those who actually did. Like any other competition involving creativity of some kind, the winner can often bewilder the public to the point of anger, disappointment and delusion. How many times has a movie won Film Of The Year under slightly dubious claims of validity? Has everyone who is a music fan agreed with what the Grammy committee has chosen as Album Of The Year? Even those God awful TV talent shows have thrown up an absolute left-of-centre choice that makes one think if everything is above board.
So it is with our humble pageant. It's very usual, almost a given, that people complain about the winner. The only two occasions I can recall that people were in utter agreement was in 2009 with Amarli Inez and 2002 with Morgan Summers. Not to say that all previous winners are undeserving because major success is hard to achieve and should be applauded (as long as it is achieved in honest manner which these days involving anything at all to do with entertainment you have to question) but that is simply the nature of the beauty contest beast. Yet I have not witness such an outpouring of utter bewilderment at this year's winner, even by people who I assumed would be on the winner's side. So did the judges get it wrong and how? Is the public looking for something new? Should the criteria be reassessed? At the end of the day, one can only shrug their shoulders and ask does it really matter. To use a parallel example, the best film category at The Academy Awards of 1977 featured both Annie Hall and Star Wars in the nominations. Annie Hall won the Film Of The Year but to a lot of people, Star Wars hold a special place in the heart and to their minds was the best film of 1977. So who is right? (For the record, I love both films but hopefully you know the point I'm trying to make).
So let's get down to the basic thing you are here to read and that's the rundown of contestants. I shall also list their individual awards as well. So who didn't make the cut?
AMBER EDEN (Dance Champion)
CANDY (Most Unique Show)
HONEY (Most Exotic Showgirl)
KAYLEE (Best Butt)
ZAHRA STARDUST (Pole Dance Champion)
MERCEDES (Most Photogenic)
Which leads us to the final eight.
RIKKI-LEE RITCH ("Fergie" from Black Eyed Peas - Best Breasts) :- It was a high energy start to the competition. Rikki's shows are always fun and she always appears to enjoy herself but in this sort of competition where glitter is more important than sex (or fun for that matter), Rikki didn't really have a chance of appearing in the top three. However she knows that which means she can perform with a sense of abandon that a lot of this night's shows seemed to lack. Having said that, Rikki's sense of fun is contagious so what is there not to like? (7.5/10)
AMBER LEE (Cowgirl - Hottest Legs) :- Yes, another bloody cowgirl which every stripper has done in some form or another. Well that may not be the case but it sure appears like it. Apparently Amer-Lee was a "Rodeo Barbie". The music mix was confusing at the beginning as the song "Barbie Girl" was overheard during the same tired cowgirl choices. Why doesn't these girls use country music for crying out loud? Contemporary country would be ideal. An average show. (5/10)
TANIKA WEST (Frenchmaid - Beauty Queen) :- Looking like she just transported herself from some 1988 hair metal rock band video, the lady with the most obvious boob job may have given one the impression that this year's final was under-par. The night got better as it went on and it's a good thing that Tamika was after Amber-Lee because she would have laughed off the stage if she was slotted in between the latter contestants. Put bluntly, this was crap. Everything you don't want in a strip show in 2011, barring the odd buck nights' party down the local pub. (3.5/10)
LEILANI (Lara Croft - Hottest Body) :- So now the competition really heats up and Leilani went for the gymnastic side of stripshows by once again hanging herself in various contortions from silks hung from the ceiling. Of course she got a huge reaction which proves my tired old point. Consider that at this stage of her show, Leilani has not taken off any of her costume yet she received thunderous applause which makes one think that the actual art of striptease is not as essential as the visual WOW factor. Therefore none of this show was cerebral and it is almost treating the audience with contempt, as if we have to be shown what is entertaining rather than leaving room for one's imagination. Leilani also decided to use day-glo paint once she got naked to wash off in the shower. Unfortunately the application of said paint to body made it looked like the aftershock of a monsterous sneeze. Not alluring. (7.5/10)
ASHTON AVENUE (Bride - Businessmen's Choice Of The Year, whatever that means) ;- I was glad that Ashton made the final and it seemed only proper. Talking to a lot of young guys after the shows, they made a special note of Ashton's appearance and show. So you may understand my dismay when for the final out comes the stage decorations, none of which she had before. Silver ribbons, baloons, confetti etc. which makes one ask why as they were not used in her first shows and she certainly didn't use them at all during this show! Maybe last-minute nerves or some wayward advice. I'm sorry to say that this performance wasn't as good as her others during the week but at least the bubbles were better on the night. Lots of potential but Ashton should not get sidetracked. (7/10)
SERENA BAILEY (School Teacher - Most Sensous And Erotic Woman - Miss Nude Australia 2nd Runner-up) :- I won't say anymore about the controversy other than I believe this lady was the best not only on the night but all week and in a lot of people's eyes should have been the winner. Serena was sex on legs, hot without being tacky, absolutely beautiful and every guy (and some girls, let's be honest) exact idea of what they want to see and experience in a stripshow. Don't worry Serena fans, we'll be seeing her next year. Utter brilliance. So what were the judges looking for or at? (10/10)
*I was told after the shows that Serena has done very little stage work up to this point. Unbelievable! Where do they make women like this? Can I go there?
ELECTRA (Vegas - Most Sex Appeal - Miss Nude Australia's 1st Runner-up) :- I don't think anyone can mount a good argument against Electra being in the top three. Certainly her show this night was performed with more confidence and was very good. While in my eyes Electra wasn't as alluring as Serena, she does exude a certain sexiness that is more fun than dangerous but this is hardly a minus point! Electra was certainly better than last year where she also came second and I was disappointed to hear that she had a diva attack during the award ceremonies. Maybe a bit of frustration crept in, maybe more to the story than one cares to know but such reports of ugliness tarnished what was a good week for her. (8.5/10)
CASSANDRA JANE (Burlesque - Entertainer Of The Year - Miss Nude Australia 2011) :- Here's the official winner. I don't want to stoke the fires again but in my opinion, the "Entertainer Of The Year" award was apt. She was entertaining even if her show seemed overlong, she looked fantastic and was one of the shows of the year without doubt. In fact it was such a good show that I could take my mother to see it without fear of embarassment. However the glitz polished up what really wasn't a sexy or engaging show. I say she wasn't engaging because I couldn't help but notice that Cassandra was transfixed on the mirror at the back of the room. This is what I meant by insincerity. She would of got the same reaction if she guested on a camp show like Dancing With The Stars with the exact same show barring the nudity. Perhaps mounting the horse towards the show in an act of beastiality was a tacky misstep that could have been done without. Cassandra ticked all the right boxes for competitions but put bluntly, she wasn't sexy and a strip show without a hint of sex is not acceptable. The most pretentious show I have seen on a stripclub stage. (8.5/10 - for sheer entertainment value only)
That just about wraps up another year in the stripping calendar. Everything resets back to zero as from this week. But what about the competition overall? Some good shows, a couple of brilliant shows but overall the standard was no better or worse than in the previous decade. Kudos to co-host Morgan Summers who did a great job, and of course Madame was Madame and that's all one needs to know really! The production ran smoothly and apart from the hiccup at the tail end, all the ladies behaved professionally if not graceful (a couple really should cut down the booze at the end of the night!).
So that's it. Thanks for reading!
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