MISS NUDE AUSTRALIA 2011 - Wednesday

After much consideration, I have decided to blog the rest of the infamous Miss Nude Australia pageant for 2011. Right now the standard cliches of "the best one ever", "gorgeous looking ladies" and "the best of the best" are being tossed around ad infinitum but so far one would hard pressed to find a more insipid contest. Insipid? Because there's nothing to distinguish this pageant from any other of the proceeding decade. Same ideas, almost the same music and in a few cases the same contestants. There's a lot of talk about costumes and props disregarding the reason why stripclubs exist:- T&A. Face it people, stripclubs are a 3D lifelike jerk-off magazine for guys and out of the all girly magazines I have encountered over the past 30-odd years, not many (if at all) put an emphasis on costumes. Put simply, guys don't care about that crap. Should I say heterosexual guys don't give clothes any consideration in this context and sometimes you get the feeling the girls are dancing for the girls and the guys who dress up as girls on the weekend. Regardless of that paradox of logic, let's run down the list of the ladies who performed in heat 3 of the pageant and do remember, it's an opinion in a non-consequential blog okay?


CASSANDRA JANE (Burlesque):-  I still cannot decide if I like this show or not. Sure, the costume was great, the props eye catching and the dancing faultless but one does feel that this was a show specifically designed to win a contest. Which you can argue is the entire point of the exercise but Cassandra forgot a vital element: audience. While people involved in the industry may have been wowed, the average punter sitting on the side of the stage who paid his hard earned to be there was bored and only came alive when Cassandra took off that much fabled costume. The music consisted of genuine old time burlesque tunes and some from the that god awful "Burlesque" movie (minus points there, love) ending with Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" in the shower which was a relief after the Christina Aguilera vocal narcsissm. All in all, a perfect show of insincerity and void of personality, much like a Kylie Minogue concert. Having said all that, it was one of the best two shows that night. She's in the final but for the wrong reasons. 7.5/10

CANDY (Katy Perry);- Okay major points deducted for basing a set around Katy Perry, one of the world's most over-rated stars. One can mount a successful argument that Candy encapsulated the true essence of Katy Perry by dressing up in a stupid costume, trying way too hard to be liked, being annoying and generally ignored by everyone in the audience except for the drunk ladies who cannot resist a loud "WOOOOOO!!!" at every given opportunity. Not good enough. 4/10

ELECTRA (Vegas):- One of the most visually stunning ladies in the contest, Electra's show was a conceptual mess yet very entertaining. I'll forgive the use of Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" even if I'm still not 100% sure what that song has to do with casinos. Electra oozed sexuality that was subtle and not grotesque. I believe that's what made the show a success actually, the absence of crassness or "I really really really want to win" presentation. Bonus points for using U2's "With Or Without You" as a shower song, making an already sexy song downright erotic. Bono could be renamed Boner. 7/10

AMBER EDEN (Africa): One really wanted to like Amber's show but I'm sure most of it went over the heads of the audience, particularly in the use of genuine African music at the start. Everything was going fine until the concept went haywire when Nickelback came blaring out of the PA and she did some tricks with the hanging silks. Ignore the cries of "Not good as Cassandra on the silks!" because Amber performed the same tricks in the same manner but with less smugness. An okay show that was dumbed down for the masses towards the end. 5.5/10

 *By the way, the use of fancy tricks on the pole, silks or hula hoops are very impressive. In fact so impressive that the performer in question would get applause even if she was fully clothed, would she not? I'd hate to see it go down the path of 2006/7 when these nude gymnastics virtually took over the pageants leaving no room for the actual striptease element of the show. This is not circus le soleil, this is a bloody stripclub in Hindley Street. Stop the pretension now!

ASHTON AVENUE (Bride):- For me, Ashton was the best show. WHAT?!! cries a thousand voices in South Australia. Let me explain why. Ashton didn't have fancy props, her costume almost wasn't there but she oozed sensuality out of every pore and got the proper customers involved in her show. Looking at the guys around the stage, one could see a lot of them pining and thinking to themselves "Give me ten minute with this chick...". In other words: STRIPTEASE. A girl's dance should be an advertisement for a hot night. Ashton promised eye-opening sex in contrast to Cassandra who, going by her show, would stop every five seconds and ask if you were impressed by her skills. Ms Avenue even made a Spice Girls track tolerable but Ashton, I would lose the bubbles! 8/10

HONEY (Jungle):- I'm not sure why people continue to downgrade Honey. She is trying new things on a regular basis and seems to have a genuine desire to deliver a good show. Maybe it's the naivety that grates certain people. If there was a drawback to her performance, it was just any other Honey show on a regular night. Honey simply needs a WOW factor and pole tricks simply won't do, especially in a competition night where by the time you're on stage the judges have seen silk rope gymnastics. However Honey is trying and the fact she has got in the finals twice already means she is on the right track. 6/10

TANIKA WEST (Sailor):- Oh dear. Watching a lady in a sparkling sailor costume walking on to Village People's "In The Navy" is not a promising start. Does anyone realise this song was an intentional gay joke? I cannot remember anything else about this show which is saying something as this is the day after as I'm writing this. I do recall that I thought her breasts were placed upside down on her chest. It later transpired that this is incorrect. 4/10

Bear in mind while reading my rantings that this is all opinion and a lot of is tongue-in-cheek. Then again, this blog also reveals my thoughts on why this business is slowly turning itself away from the one major factor that gives it a reason to exist: The Guys In The Audience. If you are a good dancer, word will get around and one doesn't need the pyrotechnics and nude gymnastics to prove otherwise. Sure, you will impress judges and the industry but hype and talent should never be confused. People know the real thing when they see it and in an entertainment sphere where glamour is preferred to humanity, that is something to be thankful for. Oh sure everyone wants to be Lady GaGa for the notoriety and fame but let's not forget Lady GaGa's sales are dwindling while someone like Adele has the world's best selling album of 2011. See? Talent wins over hype every time.

To be continued...