MISS NUDE AUSTRALIA 2011 - Thursday

Thursday night saw the remaining seven contestants do a show vying for a spot in the big final. So let's stuck right into the rundown:-

AMBER LEE (Queen? Ice Warrior?) - You can see the problem straight away can't you? I don't think anybody knew for sure what the theme was but what we can ascertain it had something to do with toy lightsabers and a shower curtain. I got the feeling that Amber was trying to cramp too much into 15 minutes that her performance suffered. She didn't really engage with the audience as she battled with dancing in her heels. Okay but not a contest winner. 5/10

KAYLEE (Moulin Rouge/Burlesque) - Kaylee looks great with big natural breasts that have that irresistable bounce that is strangely hypnotic on their own so I reasoned that all she had to do was a decent enough show to be a shoo-in. Unfortunately it was a very tired old theme of Moulin Rouge that everyone has seen hundreds of times before and if you are going to do this theme again, you had better add something new. Kaylee didn't. In fact she used all the standard cliches right up to using that nauseating Christina Aguilera song "Nasty Naughty Boy" for her shower section. When will the ladies realise that a) this is not jazz and b) it's not sexy. An average show and one which even the occasional punter would have seen many times before. 5.5/10

SERENA BAILEY (Dominatrix): Stop the presses! Ladies and Gentlemen, here's your winner of the week. Everything I complained about in the previous blog were corrected with this genuinely erotic show. The music was very good and suited Serena's slinky moves. The props were simple (just the chair thanks and a can of shaving cream for a ring of fire effect) and the costume none too elaborate. All the elements combined to make a show that had the punters transfixed. I couldn't help but notice that a lot of the genuine customers had THAT look on their face, that "I would love to do her..." look which is pretty much what a strip show is all about. Serena looked dangerous whereas the other contestants looked twee. She was a woman in a week full of pretty dancing gymnasts. Even the judges applauded loudly as did I who admittedly rarely claps for anything during this week. More shows like this will bring back the customers guaranteed and I hope all the other dancers, contestants or not, took notes because this is how you do it. Brilliant!  9.5/10 (I've deducted half a point because the gaps in between the songs broke the mood too often, even though it was only a couple of seconds)

MERCEDES (Michael Jackson) - Ah well, someone had to go after Serena...  At the start of the night I was told to look out for Mercedes because of the Michael Jackson theme. Under normal circumstances it could have possibly grabbed the punters' attention but alas due to the too-busy mix (which sounded awful on the PA - DJs please do not use compression  when compiling mixes, it makes the music sound cramp, lifeless and crap) and the fact that, as far as I know, no man has ever fantasized about Michael Jackson, Mercedes missed her mark completely. She's a great dancer no doubt but it wasn't sexy and imitating Jackson moves doesn't cut it anymore. And what was the point of the fire? At least Serena had an original idea when using the same "trick". An okay show but maybe Mercedes should stop trying to impress her fellow dancers and ask what her potential customers would want to see. 6.5/10

RICKY-LEE RITCH (Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, I assume): Ricky-Lee had no overall theme as such and unless you saw the filmclip of the Black Eyes Peas "Rock Your Body", chances you had no idea what the costume and gun was for! Yes all you regular Crazy Horse customers, this is the same Ricki that danced for us in 2007-2010. Not that you would recognise the show because her act has been fine-tuned with actual choreographed moves and lots of pole work thrown in. Ricky-Lee is even using contemporary hits rather than hits from the 1990s. To be blunt, there is nothing in her show that would separate Ricky from the others save perhaps a ton more personality. Let's face it, Ricky-Lee doesn't take herself any more seriously than you do and it's that sense of fun and abandon that is infectious. 7/10

LEILANI (Lara Croft): I really thought Lara would be taller than that... Anyway Leilani decided to make the silk acrobatics the centrepiece of her show. In fact she used the poles and silks so much that I believe her feet were on the ground for just 25% of the show. Yes Leilani was entertaining and the music production probably thought out. No one will say they weren't impressed with her gymnastic skills on the silk ropes but was it sexy or just merely athletic? That's the problem. While tricks like this will always impress an audience, Leilani could have kept the costume on and get the exact same reaction which makes a mockery of this supposed striptease competition. Trouble is she would have got high marks for the show and as long as this continues to happen, the contestants will always go for the spectacular instead of the sexy. 7/10

*As a side note, why did Leilani choose Lara Croft? If she wanted to do an action character from a video game, why not choose Chloe Frazer from uncharted 2? She is rendered just as sexy and alluring with realistically proportioned breasts. Me thinks Lara has had a one-too-many boob job! 

 ZAHRA STARDUST (Dominatrix) - Oh dear oh dear oh dear.... The opposite of Serena Bailey using the same theme. Zara went for props, trapeze, conceptual music mixes etc etc and showed everyone how not to do it in the process. The music was overdubbed with a voice over about the mating habits of females which just got in the way of everything and then used Myley Cyrus's "Can't Be Tamed" which is probably the most ironic song ever. Who believes Hannah Montana can't be tamed? Probably the same gullible unfortunates who think Zahra was alluring. Then, in the middle of her show, she holds up signs like "Strippers Unite" as some sort of protest. What the hell was that about? What is she protesting against? Entertainment? And then, you had the swing in which Ms Stardust did some fancy hanging off which delighted the girls in the crowd and positively bored the punters. Bloody hell this was embarrassing. Later I heard that some people (industry people I should clarify) thought she did a great show. Pig's arse she did, Zahra Stardust was absolute shite. 2.5/10

So now we're up to the final. As far as predictions go, I say as far as the top three goes I would pick Serena, Electra and Cassandra but I would love love to see Ashton in there as well.

To be continued...