It's the biggest night in Australia's stripping calendar. Yes there a lot of similar competitions out there, let's be honest every club/agency seems to have their own, but the Friday night final of the Miss Nude Australia Pageant is the original, the best and most highly regarded. It is also quite often the most controversial and I've heard different stories, theories and rants over the last decade about who should have won and those who actually did. Like any other competition involving creativity of some kind, the winner can often bewilder the public to the point of anger, disappointment and delusion. How many times has a movie won Film Of The Year under slightly dubious claims of validity? Has everyone who is a music fan agreed with what the Grammy committee has chosen as Album Of The Year? Even those God awful TV talent shows have thrown up an absolute left-of-centre choice that makes one think if everything is above board.
So it is with our humble pageant. It's very usual, almost a given, that people complain about the winner. The only two occasions I can recall that people were in utter agreement was in 2009 with Amarli Inez and 2002 with Morgan Summers. Not to say that all previous winners are undeserving because major success is hard to achieve and should be applauded (as long as it is achieved in honest manner which these days involving anything at all to do with entertainment you have to question) but that is simply the nature of the beauty contest beast. Yet I have not witness such an outpouring of utter bewilderment at this year's winner, even by people who I assumed would be on the winner's side. So did the judges get it wrong and how? Is the public looking for something new? Should the criteria be reassessed? At the end of the day, one can only shrug their shoulders and ask does it really matter. To use a parallel example, the best film category at The Academy Awards of 1977 featured both Annie Hall and Star Wars in the nominations. Annie Hall won the Film Of The Year but to a lot of people, Star Wars hold a special place in the heart and to their minds was the best film of 1977. So who is right? (For the record, I love both films but hopefully you know the point I'm trying to make).
So let's get down to the basic thing you are here to read and that's the rundown of contestants. I shall also list their individual awards as well. So who didn't make the cut?
AMBER EDEN (Dance Champion)
CANDY (Most Unique Show)
HONEY (Most Exotic Showgirl)
KAYLEE (Best Butt)
ZAHRA STARDUST (Pole Dance Champion)
MERCEDES (Most Photogenic)
Which leads us to the final eight.
RIKKI-LEE RITCH ("Fergie" from Black Eyed Peas - Best Breasts) :- It was a high energy start to the competition. Rikki's shows are always fun and she always appears to enjoy herself but in this sort of competition where glitter is more important than sex (or fun for that matter), Rikki didn't really have a chance of appearing in the top three. However she knows that which means she can perform with a sense of abandon that a lot of this night's shows seemed to lack. Having said that, Rikki's sense of fun is contagious so what is there not to like? (7.5/10)
AMBER LEE (Cowgirl - Hottest Legs) :- Yes, another bloody cowgirl which every stripper has done in some form or another. Well that may not be the case but it sure appears like it. Apparently Amer-Lee was a "Rodeo Barbie". The music mix was confusing at the beginning as the song "Barbie Girl" was overheard during the same tired cowgirl choices. Why doesn't these girls use country music for crying out loud? Contemporary country would be ideal. An average show. (5/10)
TANIKA WEST (Frenchmaid - Beauty Queen) :- Looking like she just transported herself from some 1988 hair metal rock band video, the lady with the most obvious boob job may have given one the impression that this year's final was under-par. The night got better as it went on and it's a good thing that Tamika was after Amber-Lee because she would have laughed off the stage if she was slotted in between the latter contestants. Put bluntly, this was crap. Everything you don't want in a strip show in 2011, barring the odd buck nights' party down the local pub. (3.5/10)
LEILANI (Lara Croft - Hottest Body) :- So now the competition really heats up and Leilani went for the gymnastic side of stripshows by once again hanging herself in various contortions from silks hung from the ceiling. Of course she got a huge reaction which proves my tired old point. Consider that at this stage of her show, Leilani has not taken off any of her costume yet she received thunderous applause which makes one think that the actual art of striptease is not as essential as the visual WOW factor. Therefore none of this show was cerebral and it is almost treating the audience with contempt, as if we have to be shown what is entertaining rather than leaving room for one's imagination. Leilani also decided to use day-glo paint once she got naked to wash off in the shower. Unfortunately the application of said paint to body made it looked like the aftershock of a monsterous sneeze. Not alluring. (7.5/10)
ASHTON AVENUE (Bride - Businessmen's Choice Of The Year, whatever that means) ;- I was glad that Ashton made the final and it seemed only proper. Talking to a lot of young guys after the shows, they made a special note of Ashton's appearance and show. So you may understand my dismay when for the final out comes the stage decorations, none of which she had before. Silver ribbons, baloons, confetti etc. which makes one ask why as they were not used in her first shows and she certainly didn't use them at all during this show! Maybe last-minute nerves or some wayward advice. I'm sorry to say that this performance wasn't as good as her others during the week but at least the bubbles were better on the night. Lots of potential but Ashton should not get sidetracked. (7/10)
SERENA BAILEY (School Teacher - Most Sensous And Erotic Woman - Miss Nude Australia 2nd Runner-up) :- I won't say anymore about the controversy other than I believe this lady was the best not only on the night but all week and in a lot of people's eyes should have been the winner. Serena was sex on legs, hot without being tacky, absolutely beautiful and every guy (and some girls, let's be honest) exact idea of what they want to see and experience in a stripshow. Don't worry Serena fans, we'll be seeing her next year. Utter brilliance. So what were the judges looking for or at? (10/10)
*I was told after the shows that Serena has done very little stage work up to this point. Unbelievable! Where do they make women like this? Can I go there?
ELECTRA (Vegas - Most Sex Appeal - Miss Nude Australia's 1st Runner-up) :- I don't think anyone can mount a good argument against Electra being in the top three. Certainly her show this night was performed with more confidence and was very good. While in my eyes Electra wasn't as alluring as Serena, she does exude a certain sexiness that is more fun than dangerous but this is hardly a minus point! Electra was certainly better than last year where she also came second and I was disappointed to hear that she had a diva attack during the award ceremonies. Maybe a bit of frustration crept in, maybe more to the story than one cares to know but such reports of ugliness tarnished what was a good week for her. (8.5/10)
CASSANDRA JANE (Burlesque - Entertainer Of The Year - Miss Nude Australia 2011) :- Here's the official winner. I don't want to stoke the fires again but in my opinion, the "Entertainer Of The Year" award was apt. She was entertaining even if her show seemed overlong, she looked fantastic and was one of the shows of the year without doubt. In fact it was such a good show that I could take my mother to see it without fear of embarassment. However the glitz polished up what really wasn't a sexy or engaging show. I say she wasn't engaging because I couldn't help but notice that Cassandra was transfixed on the mirror at the back of the room. This is what I meant by insincerity. She would of got the same reaction if she guested on a camp show like Dancing With The Stars with the exact same show barring the nudity. Perhaps mounting the horse towards the show in an act of beastiality was a tacky misstep that could have been done without. Cassandra ticked all the right boxes for competitions but put bluntly, she wasn't sexy and a strip show without a hint of sex is not acceptable. The most pretentious show I have seen on a stripclub stage. (8.5/10 - for sheer entertainment value only)
That just about wraps up another year in the stripping calendar. Everything resets back to zero as from this week. But what about the competition overall? Some good shows, a couple of brilliant shows but overall the standard was no better or worse than in the previous decade. Kudos to co-host Morgan Summers who did a great job, and of course Madame was Madame and that's all one needs to know really! The production ran smoothly and apart from the hiccup at the tail end, all the ladies behaved professionally if not graceful (a couple really should cut down the booze at the end of the night!).
So that's it. Thanks for reading!
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Thursday, 25 August 2011
MISS NUDE AUSTRALIA 2011 - Thursday
Thursday night saw the remaining seven contestants do a show vying for a spot in the big final. So let's stuck right into the rundown:-
AMBER LEE (Queen? Ice Warrior?) - You can see the problem straight away can't you? I don't think anybody knew for sure what the theme was but what we can ascertain it had something to do with toy lightsabers and a shower curtain. I got the feeling that Amber was trying to cramp too much into 15 minutes that her performance suffered. She didn't really engage with the audience as she battled with dancing in her heels. Okay but not a contest winner. 5/10
KAYLEE (Moulin Rouge/Burlesque) - Kaylee looks great with big natural breasts that have that irresistable bounce that is strangely hypnotic on their own so I reasoned that all she had to do was a decent enough show to be a shoo-in. Unfortunately it was a very tired old theme of Moulin Rouge that everyone has seen hundreds of times before and if you are going to do this theme again, you had better add something new. Kaylee didn't. In fact she used all the standard cliches right up to using that nauseating Christina Aguilera song "Nasty Naughty Boy" for her shower section. When will the ladies realise that a) this is not jazz and b) it's not sexy. An average show and one which even the occasional punter would have seen many times before. 5.5/10
SERENA BAILEY (Dominatrix): Stop the presses! Ladies and Gentlemen, here's your winner of the week. Everything I complained about in the previous blog were corrected with this genuinely erotic show. The music was very good and suited Serena's slinky moves. The props were simple (just the chair thanks and a can of shaving cream for a ring of fire effect) and the costume none too elaborate. All the elements combined to make a show that had the punters transfixed. I couldn't help but notice that a lot of the genuine customers had THAT look on their face, that "I would love to do her..." look which is pretty much what a strip show is all about. Serena looked dangerous whereas the other contestants looked twee. She was a woman in a week full of pretty dancing gymnasts. Even the judges applauded loudly as did I who admittedly rarely claps for anything during this week. More shows like this will bring back the customers guaranteed and I hope all the other dancers, contestants or not, took notes because this is how you do it. Brilliant! 9.5/10 (I've deducted half a point because the gaps in between the songs broke the mood too often, even though it was only a couple of seconds)
MERCEDES (Michael Jackson) - Ah well, someone had to go after Serena... At the start of the night I was told to look out for Mercedes because of the Michael Jackson theme. Under normal circumstances it could have possibly grabbed the punters' attention but alas due to the too-busy mix (which sounded awful on the PA - DJs please do not use compression when compiling mixes, it makes the music sound cramp, lifeless and crap) and the fact that, as far as I know, no man has ever fantasized about Michael Jackson, Mercedes missed her mark completely. She's a great dancer no doubt but it wasn't sexy and imitating Jackson moves doesn't cut it anymore. And what was the point of the fire? At least Serena had an original idea when using the same "trick". An okay show but maybe Mercedes should stop trying to impress her fellow dancers and ask what her potential customers would want to see. 6.5/10
RICKY-LEE RITCH (Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, I assume): Ricky-Lee had no overall theme as such and unless you saw the filmclip of the Black Eyes Peas "Rock Your Body", chances you had no idea what the costume and gun was for! Yes all you regular Crazy Horse customers, this is the same Ricki that danced for us in 2007-2010. Not that you would recognise the show because her act has been fine-tuned with actual choreographed moves and lots of pole work thrown in. Ricky-Lee is even using contemporary hits rather than hits from the 1990s. To be blunt, there is nothing in her show that would separate Ricky from the others save perhaps a ton more personality. Let's face it, Ricky-Lee doesn't take herself any more seriously than you do and it's that sense of fun and abandon that is infectious. 7/10
LEILANI (Lara Croft): I really thought Lara would be taller than that... Anyway Leilani decided to make the silk acrobatics the centrepiece of her show. In fact she used the poles and silks so much that I believe her feet were on the ground for just 25% of the show. Yes Leilani was entertaining and the music production probably thought out. No one will say they weren't impressed with her gymnastic skills on the silk ropes but was it sexy or just merely athletic? That's the problem. While tricks like this will always impress an audience, Leilani could have kept the costume on and get the exact same reaction which makes a mockery of this supposed striptease competition. Trouble is she would have got high marks for the show and as long as this continues to happen, the contestants will always go for the spectacular instead of the sexy. 7/10
*As a side note, why did Leilani choose Lara Croft? If she wanted to do an action character from a video game, why not choose Chloe Frazer from uncharted 2? She is rendered just as sexy and alluring with realistically proportioned breasts. Me thinks Lara has had a one-too-many boob job!
ZAHRA STARDUST (Dominatrix) - Oh dear oh dear oh dear.... The opposite of Serena Bailey using the same theme. Zara went for props, trapeze, conceptual music mixes etc etc and showed everyone how not to do it in the process. The music was overdubbed with a voice over about the mating habits of females which just got in the way of everything and then used Myley Cyrus's "Can't Be Tamed" which is probably the most ironic song ever. Who believes Hannah Montana can't be tamed? Probably the same gullible unfortunates who think Zahra was alluring. Then, in the middle of her show, she holds up signs like "Strippers Unite" as some sort of protest. What the hell was that about? What is she protesting against? Entertainment? And then, you had the swing in which Ms Stardust did some fancy hanging off which delighted the girls in the crowd and positively bored the punters. Bloody hell this was embarrassing. Later I heard that some people (industry people I should clarify) thought she did a great show. Pig's arse she did, Zahra Stardust was absolute shite. 2.5/10
So now we're up to the final. As far as predictions go, I say as far as the top three goes I would pick Serena, Electra and Cassandra but I would love love to see Ashton in there as well.
To be continued...
AMBER LEE (Queen? Ice Warrior?) - You can see the problem straight away can't you? I don't think anybody knew for sure what the theme was but what we can ascertain it had something to do with toy lightsabers and a shower curtain. I got the feeling that Amber was trying to cramp too much into 15 minutes that her performance suffered. She didn't really engage with the audience as she battled with dancing in her heels. Okay but not a contest winner. 5/10
KAYLEE (Moulin Rouge/Burlesque) - Kaylee looks great with big natural breasts that have that irresistable bounce that is strangely hypnotic on their own so I reasoned that all she had to do was a decent enough show to be a shoo-in. Unfortunately it was a very tired old theme of Moulin Rouge that everyone has seen hundreds of times before and if you are going to do this theme again, you had better add something new. Kaylee didn't. In fact she used all the standard cliches right up to using that nauseating Christina Aguilera song "Nasty Naughty Boy" for her shower section. When will the ladies realise that a) this is not jazz and b) it's not sexy. An average show and one which even the occasional punter would have seen many times before. 5.5/10
SERENA BAILEY (Dominatrix): Stop the presses! Ladies and Gentlemen, here's your winner of the week. Everything I complained about in the previous blog were corrected with this genuinely erotic show. The music was very good and suited Serena's slinky moves. The props were simple (just the chair thanks and a can of shaving cream for a ring of fire effect) and the costume none too elaborate. All the elements combined to make a show that had the punters transfixed. I couldn't help but notice that a lot of the genuine customers had THAT look on their face, that "I would love to do her..." look which is pretty much what a strip show is all about. Serena looked dangerous whereas the other contestants looked twee. She was a woman in a week full of pretty dancing gymnasts. Even the judges applauded loudly as did I who admittedly rarely claps for anything during this week. More shows like this will bring back the customers guaranteed and I hope all the other dancers, contestants or not, took notes because this is how you do it. Brilliant! 9.5/10 (I've deducted half a point because the gaps in between the songs broke the mood too often, even though it was only a couple of seconds)
MERCEDES (Michael Jackson) - Ah well, someone had to go after Serena... At the start of the night I was told to look out for Mercedes because of the Michael Jackson theme. Under normal circumstances it could have possibly grabbed the punters' attention but alas due to the too-busy mix (which sounded awful on the PA - DJs please do not use compression when compiling mixes, it makes the music sound cramp, lifeless and crap) and the fact that, as far as I know, no man has ever fantasized about Michael Jackson, Mercedes missed her mark completely. She's a great dancer no doubt but it wasn't sexy and imitating Jackson moves doesn't cut it anymore. And what was the point of the fire? At least Serena had an original idea when using the same "trick". An okay show but maybe Mercedes should stop trying to impress her fellow dancers and ask what her potential customers would want to see. 6.5/10
RICKY-LEE RITCH (Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, I assume): Ricky-Lee had no overall theme as such and unless you saw the filmclip of the Black Eyes Peas "Rock Your Body", chances you had no idea what the costume and gun was for! Yes all you regular Crazy Horse customers, this is the same Ricki that danced for us in 2007-2010. Not that you would recognise the show because her act has been fine-tuned with actual choreographed moves and lots of pole work thrown in. Ricky-Lee is even using contemporary hits rather than hits from the 1990s. To be blunt, there is nothing in her show that would separate Ricky from the others save perhaps a ton more personality. Let's face it, Ricky-Lee doesn't take herself any more seriously than you do and it's that sense of fun and abandon that is infectious. 7/10
LEILANI (Lara Croft): I really thought Lara would be taller than that... Anyway Leilani decided to make the silk acrobatics the centrepiece of her show. In fact she used the poles and silks so much that I believe her feet were on the ground for just 25% of the show. Yes Leilani was entertaining and the music production probably thought out. No one will say they weren't impressed with her gymnastic skills on the silk ropes but was it sexy or just merely athletic? That's the problem. While tricks like this will always impress an audience, Leilani could have kept the costume on and get the exact same reaction which makes a mockery of this supposed striptease competition. Trouble is she would have got high marks for the show and as long as this continues to happen, the contestants will always go for the spectacular instead of the sexy. 7/10
*As a side note, why did Leilani choose Lara Croft? If she wanted to do an action character from a video game, why not choose Chloe Frazer from uncharted 2? She is rendered just as sexy and alluring with realistically proportioned breasts. Me thinks Lara has had a one-too-many boob job!
ZAHRA STARDUST (Dominatrix) - Oh dear oh dear oh dear.... The opposite of Serena Bailey using the same theme. Zara went for props, trapeze, conceptual music mixes etc etc and showed everyone how not to do it in the process. The music was overdubbed with a voice over about the mating habits of females which just got in the way of everything and then used Myley Cyrus's "Can't Be Tamed" which is probably the most ironic song ever. Who believes Hannah Montana can't be tamed? Probably the same gullible unfortunates who think Zahra was alluring. Then, in the middle of her show, she holds up signs like "Strippers Unite" as some sort of protest. What the hell was that about? What is she protesting against? Entertainment? And then, you had the swing in which Ms Stardust did some fancy hanging off which delighted the girls in the crowd and positively bored the punters. Bloody hell this was embarrassing. Later I heard that some people (industry people I should clarify) thought she did a great show. Pig's arse she did, Zahra Stardust was absolute shite. 2.5/10
So now we're up to the final. As far as predictions go, I say as far as the top three goes I would pick Serena, Electra and Cassandra but I would love love to see Ashton in there as well.
To be continued...
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
MISS NUDE AUSTRALIA 2011 - Wednesday
After much consideration, I have decided to blog the rest of the infamous Miss Nude Australia pageant for 2011. Right now the standard cliches of "the best one ever", "gorgeous looking ladies" and "the best of the best" are being tossed around ad infinitum but so far one would hard pressed to find a more insipid contest. Insipid? Because there's nothing to distinguish this pageant from any other of the proceeding decade. Same ideas, almost the same music and in a few cases the same contestants. There's a lot of talk about costumes and props disregarding the reason why stripclubs exist:- T&A. Face it people, stripclubs are a 3D lifelike jerk-off magazine for guys and out of the all girly magazines I have encountered over the past 30-odd years, not many (if at all) put an emphasis on costumes. Put simply, guys don't care about that crap. Should I say heterosexual guys don't give clothes any consideration in this context and sometimes you get the feeling the girls are dancing for the girls and the guys who dress up as girls on the weekend. Regardless of that paradox of logic, let's run down the list of the ladies who performed in heat 3 of the pageant and do remember, it's an opinion in a non-consequential blog okay?
CASSANDRA JANE (Burlesque):- I still cannot decide if I like this show or not. Sure, the costume was great, the props eye catching and the dancing faultless but one does feel that this was a show specifically designed to win a contest. Which you can argue is the entire point of the exercise but Cassandra forgot a vital element: audience. While people involved in the industry may have been wowed, the average punter sitting on the side of the stage who paid his hard earned to be there was bored and only came alive when Cassandra took off that much fabled costume. The music consisted of genuine old time burlesque tunes and some from the that god awful "Burlesque" movie (minus points there, love) ending with Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" in the shower which was a relief after the Christina Aguilera vocal narcsissm. All in all, a perfect show of insincerity and void of personality, much like a Kylie Minogue concert. Having said all that, it was one of the best two shows that night. She's in the final but for the wrong reasons. 7.5/10
CANDY (Katy Perry);- Okay major points deducted for basing a set around Katy Perry, one of the world's most over-rated stars. One can mount a successful argument that Candy encapsulated the true essence of Katy Perry by dressing up in a stupid costume, trying way too hard to be liked, being annoying and generally ignored by everyone in the audience except for the drunk ladies who cannot resist a loud "WOOOOOO!!!" at every given opportunity. Not good enough. 4/10
ELECTRA (Vegas):- One of the most visually stunning ladies in the contest, Electra's show was a conceptual mess yet very entertaining. I'll forgive the use of Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" even if I'm still not 100% sure what that song has to do with casinos. Electra oozed sexuality that was subtle and not grotesque. I believe that's what made the show a success actually, the absence of crassness or "I really really really want to win" presentation. Bonus points for using U2's "With Or Without You" as a shower song, making an already sexy song downright erotic. Bono could be renamed Boner. 7/10
AMBER EDEN (Africa): One really wanted to like Amber's show but I'm sure most of it went over the heads of the audience, particularly in the use of genuine African music at the start. Everything was going fine until the concept went haywire when Nickelback came blaring out of the PA and she did some tricks with the hanging silks. Ignore the cries of "Not good as Cassandra on the silks!" because Amber performed the same tricks in the same manner but with less smugness. An okay show that was dumbed down for the masses towards the end. 5.5/10
*By the way, the use of fancy tricks on the pole, silks or hula hoops are very impressive. In fact so impressive that the performer in question would get applause even if she was fully clothed, would she not? I'd hate to see it go down the path of 2006/7 when these nude gymnastics virtually took over the pageants leaving no room for the actual striptease element of the show. This is not circus le soleil, this is a bloody stripclub in Hindley Street. Stop the pretension now!
ASHTON AVENUE (Bride):- For me, Ashton was the best show. WHAT?!! cries a thousand voices in South Australia. Let me explain why. Ashton didn't have fancy props, her costume almost wasn't there but she oozed sensuality out of every pore and got the proper customers involved in her show. Looking at the guys around the stage, one could see a lot of them pining and thinking to themselves "Give me ten minute with this chick...". In other words: STRIPTEASE. A girl's dance should be an advertisement for a hot night. Ashton promised eye-opening sex in contrast to Cassandra who, going by her show, would stop every five seconds and ask if you were impressed by her skills. Ms Avenue even made a Spice Girls track tolerable but Ashton, I would lose the bubbles! 8/10
HONEY (Jungle):- I'm not sure why people continue to downgrade Honey. She is trying new things on a regular basis and seems to have a genuine desire to deliver a good show. Maybe it's the naivety that grates certain people. If there was a drawback to her performance, it was just any other Honey show on a regular night. Honey simply needs a WOW factor and pole tricks simply won't do, especially in a competition night where by the time you're on stage the judges have seen silk rope gymnastics. However Honey is trying and the fact she has got in the finals twice already means she is on the right track. 6/10
TANIKA WEST (Sailor):- Oh dear. Watching a lady in a sparkling sailor costume walking on to Village People's "In The Navy" is not a promising start. Does anyone realise this song was an intentional gay joke? I cannot remember anything else about this show which is saying something as this is the day after as I'm writing this. I do recall that I thought her breasts were placed upside down on her chest. It later transpired that this is incorrect. 4/10
Bear in mind while reading my rantings that this is all opinion and a lot of is tongue-in-cheek. Then again, this blog also reveals my thoughts on why this business is slowly turning itself away from the one major factor that gives it a reason to exist: The Guys In The Audience. If you are a good dancer, word will get around and one doesn't need the pyrotechnics and nude gymnastics to prove otherwise. Sure, you will impress judges and the industry but hype and talent should never be confused. People know the real thing when they see it and in an entertainment sphere where glamour is preferred to humanity, that is something to be thankful for. Oh sure everyone wants to be Lady GaGa for the notoriety and fame but let's not forget Lady GaGa's sales are dwindling while someone like Adele has the world's best selling album of 2011. See? Talent wins over hype every time.
To be continued...
CASSANDRA JANE (Burlesque):- I still cannot decide if I like this show or not. Sure, the costume was great, the props eye catching and the dancing faultless but one does feel that this was a show specifically designed to win a contest. Which you can argue is the entire point of the exercise but Cassandra forgot a vital element: audience. While people involved in the industry may have been wowed, the average punter sitting on the side of the stage who paid his hard earned to be there was bored and only came alive when Cassandra took off that much fabled costume. The music consisted of genuine old time burlesque tunes and some from the that god awful "Burlesque" movie (minus points there, love) ending with Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" in the shower which was a relief after the Christina Aguilera vocal narcsissm. All in all, a perfect show of insincerity and void of personality, much like a Kylie Minogue concert. Having said all that, it was one of the best two shows that night. She's in the final but for the wrong reasons. 7.5/10
CANDY (Katy Perry);- Okay major points deducted for basing a set around Katy Perry, one of the world's most over-rated stars. One can mount a successful argument that Candy encapsulated the true essence of Katy Perry by dressing up in a stupid costume, trying way too hard to be liked, being annoying and generally ignored by everyone in the audience except for the drunk ladies who cannot resist a loud "WOOOOOO!!!" at every given opportunity. Not good enough. 4/10
ELECTRA (Vegas):- One of the most visually stunning ladies in the contest, Electra's show was a conceptual mess yet very entertaining. I'll forgive the use of Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" even if I'm still not 100% sure what that song has to do with casinos. Electra oozed sexuality that was subtle and not grotesque. I believe that's what made the show a success actually, the absence of crassness or "I really really really want to win" presentation. Bonus points for using U2's "With Or Without You" as a shower song, making an already sexy song downright erotic. Bono could be renamed Boner. 7/10
AMBER EDEN (Africa): One really wanted to like Amber's show but I'm sure most of it went over the heads of the audience, particularly in the use of genuine African music at the start. Everything was going fine until the concept went haywire when Nickelback came blaring out of the PA and she did some tricks with the hanging silks. Ignore the cries of "Not good as Cassandra on the silks!" because Amber performed the same tricks in the same manner but with less smugness. An okay show that was dumbed down for the masses towards the end. 5.5/10
*By the way, the use of fancy tricks on the pole, silks or hula hoops are very impressive. In fact so impressive that the performer in question would get applause even if she was fully clothed, would she not? I'd hate to see it go down the path of 2006/7 when these nude gymnastics virtually took over the pageants leaving no room for the actual striptease element of the show. This is not circus le soleil, this is a bloody stripclub in Hindley Street. Stop the pretension now!
ASHTON AVENUE (Bride):- For me, Ashton was the best show. WHAT?!! cries a thousand voices in South Australia. Let me explain why. Ashton didn't have fancy props, her costume almost wasn't there but she oozed sensuality out of every pore and got the proper customers involved in her show. Looking at the guys around the stage, one could see a lot of them pining and thinking to themselves "Give me ten minute with this chick...". In other words: STRIPTEASE. A girl's dance should be an advertisement for a hot night. Ashton promised eye-opening sex in contrast to Cassandra who, going by her show, would stop every five seconds and ask if you were impressed by her skills. Ms Avenue even made a Spice Girls track tolerable but Ashton, I would lose the bubbles! 8/10
HONEY (Jungle):- I'm not sure why people continue to downgrade Honey. She is trying new things on a regular basis and seems to have a genuine desire to deliver a good show. Maybe it's the naivety that grates certain people. If there was a drawback to her performance, it was just any other Honey show on a regular night. Honey simply needs a WOW factor and pole tricks simply won't do, especially in a competition night where by the time you're on stage the judges have seen silk rope gymnastics. However Honey is trying and the fact she has got in the finals twice already means she is on the right track. 6/10
TANIKA WEST (Sailor):- Oh dear. Watching a lady in a sparkling sailor costume walking on to Village People's "In The Navy" is not a promising start. Does anyone realise this song was an intentional gay joke? I cannot remember anything else about this show which is saying something as this is the day after as I'm writing this. I do recall that I thought her breasts were placed upside down on her chest. It later transpired that this is incorrect. 4/10
Bear in mind while reading my rantings that this is all opinion and a lot of is tongue-in-cheek. Then again, this blog also reveals my thoughts on why this business is slowly turning itself away from the one major factor that gives it a reason to exist: The Guys In The Audience. If you are a good dancer, word will get around and one doesn't need the pyrotechnics and nude gymnastics to prove otherwise. Sure, you will impress judges and the industry but hype and talent should never be confused. People know the real thing when they see it and in an entertainment sphere where glamour is preferred to humanity, that is something to be thankful for. Oh sure everyone wants to be Lady GaGa for the notoriety and fame but let's not forget Lady GaGa's sales are dwindling while someone like Adele has the world's best selling album of 2011. See? Talent wins over hype every time.
To be continued...
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